Three Months Later

It's crazy another month has passed since I wrote my last "unopened letter".  A lot has changed this month, but at the same time a lot hasn't.  I traveled to Oregon, Washington, Alaska, and Canada a few weeks ago and just came back from St Leo's Weeklong last week. Just being in a different place so different from FL made me feel alive again.. and St. Leo's, a place that's so familiar, made me feel like I was home. It's really been a great month. But alas, nothing can be perfect. 

I truly believed I was moving on and really healing until... he contacts me. Before weeklong, I had truly promised myself that I was completely done speaking to him. Our friendship was something that wasn't progressing and I felt it was time to let go. But maybe it was being at St. Leo's or maybe it was just because I wanted to hear from him, but I responded to him and he said everything I  ever wanted him to say. He really apologized and said that he missed me, and missed being able to talk about anything with me. Aka everything I had been saying for the past two months. I thought it didn't matter to me anymore, but the past week has made me realize it did matter to me. I also saw him in person for the first time. I also didn't think it was going to affect me. But, it did.  

In the past three months, I've really reflected, grown, matured, and healed. I've found happiness, peace, and contentment. But after speaking and seeing him last week, there's this familiar feeling that's come back. I think I've realized that no matter how much time has passed or how much my life has changed without this person, I'm going to always  desire for something much more than friendship with this person. I really wished I didn't have to come to this conclusion and I'm still figuring out if this is really what I feel or if my mind is just playing games on me, but I think this is what I've concluded. 

My connection with this person has always been easy. I realize it even more now. Immediately after speaking to him again, I started opening up already. I don't do that with anyone. It's a hard place to put my heart back into when I'm almost certain this person only wants a friendship with me, but I feel like I'm going to want more and that's the basis of why I open up to this person. So is it fair that I do this to myself just to have this person in my life as a friend even if it's going to break my heart? Or is it fair to the other person that we're seeking other things in this "friendship"? I want to tell this person badly how much I feel, but is it really worth it when I don't think there's a solution and I'd only be doing it as an expression?

 More than likely, I will not get the answer I want. But for some reason, I still want to express myself. Is that right? Is God giving me a hunch? I really don't know. I'm trying to hear God's voice in this, but I'm not quite sure how to. So here I am writing and hoping God guides me through my thought process of writing this down. 

I know now what happened to me this past year. I had just gone through the most difficult experience of my life overcoming my anxiety issues and God slowly began to open up my heart in a way he hadn't before. Almost a year ago, I remember the feeling of just having so much love inside me and I felt like I had so much to give and I wanted to fill my heart. It was an amazing feeling and what I didn't know at the time was that God had opened my heart to fill it with him. For the past several years, God has walked into my life and had given me a real purpose, but what happened was that I became content with the relationship I had with God. A relationship that wasn't as close as it could be. In all honesty, I relied on my friends and family more. Well, this year I relied completely on this person I was in a relationship with. We both were filling our hearts with each other, when it was supposed to only be God. When my relationship with this person ended, I felt so empty and I wanted to close my heart up. I was so afraid and I really hated myself for the decisions I made that lead me to how I was feeling. Slowly but surely, God's power and love has restored me. I hadn't even realized it until now. But, immediately after the relationship ended, I ran back to God. He showed me that I didn't need anyone else but him. Just the beauty in nature alone that God allows us to see with our eyes everyday is so much more than what an 18-year old guy could ever give me. My relationship with God still isn't at the highest level it could be at, but I'm really working on it. I want to fall in love with God. I know nothing else in my life can fall into place unless my life is centered on him. 

Anyways, I realized in this three month time frame that I didn't need that person in my life anymore, but I do want him back in my life. Not completely in the role that he was in because that now belongs to God, but is it wrong to want this person back to some extent? I admire what this person's relationship with God is and I can't find that in any other guy. I feel like I know what I want to do, but at the same time I don't. I want to be God-seeking, not self-seeking. My open, intimate relationship with this person showed me that I really wanted that relationship with God. No matter the outcome, I'll never forget that lesson that's redeemed my life. 

Another unopened letter

It's been two months since we've broken up. At the time, I couldn't picture you not in my life in a significant way, but you haven't been around and it's become something I've adjusted to. I don't really know what you've been doing these past two months but at the same time I knew more than enough. I'm going in one direction and you're going in another. 

The only thing I wish was different was that I still miss our friendship. Not as much as I used to but it will always be the most bittersweet loss. It's taken us a month and a half to be able to have a conversation without an argument. If it wasn't for me, we still wouldn't be talking. I don't know what happened to the guy who told me he always could be there for me as a friend and when I was actually ready you were gone. It's been painful to talk to you now because our conversations are short and empty. I'm trying to be guarded and you just seem to be doing this as some sort of obligation to me so on both ends it goes nowhere. I don't even think I ever want to see you. And that is the part that saddens me the most.  You were a special person in my life. Not even including our romantic relationship, we had a great connection as friends. We could tell each other everything and we just understood each other. There's few people I've had that with and it doesn't come often. I don't have any of those people right now and it's been hard. 

But I knew the risk of losing you as a friend before anything happened and we both took that risk. Sometimes I wish I didn't take that risk and other times I know that risk had to happen. Even if the reason was that it was a great short lived romantic relationship and a could have been lifelong relationship was sacrificed-- well I learned a big lesson in that! and I wouldn't take it back.  And I guess with other choices we made in our relationship, I feel the same way. Even though there are decisions I made that to this day do not completely settle well with me, I accept it happened for a reason, even if the reason was realizing that it hurt me. 

Regardless, I forgive you and slowly, I'm forgiving myself. I kick myself in the head sometimes for having a big heart and especially towards you, but I can't help it. I don't tell you I care still, but I know you know. I know you've told me I should be more of a bitch, but that's never going to happen. Sometimes I have my moments when I have those days when the hurt really gets to me.. ha today was one of those days actually, but really I'll never be heartless. In all of this, I've become more confident in everything that I am and everything I'm not. I'll never be a heartless bitch no matter how hard I try and I'll always have the biggest heart in the world no matter how wounded it could become. Although that big heart of mine doesn't include "loving" you anymore. As genuine and powerful the feelings I knew I had, they don't mean anything because you weren't reciprocating anymore. For you, it makes me sad you haven't discovered what's really in your heart and what you're feeling. Because even though I can be ridiculously emotional and over think too much, at least I allowed myself to really feel something. I wish that for you some day, to look deep and find real emotion. You have it somewhere... Well maybe. I don't know anymore. I don't know who you are anymore. I hope you aren't lost. Well a part of me wishes you fuck up your life, but not really. 

Two weeks later

Rough days still exist. The hurt and the pain is still here. I don't even have a real focal point for being upset. It's just raw emotion that's still inside of me and I just want it out of my system.  It's a horrible feeling thinking that I'll always carry a torch for this person no matter how much time passes. But the even more horrible feeling is that I know most likely this person doesn't carry a torch for me. 

Better

So this is the first week I've been truly over it. I think? At least to some extent. The tears are gone. The memories have faded. I'm not really longing for him. It finally feels in the past. It's done. Every single day, it's minimizing in my head. It's a great feeling. It's unfortunate that taking him out of my life is what I had to do, but it's what has finally worked. I can't say everything is gone. But it's certainly gotten better. He isn't a good friend for me to have in my life. He isn't the person I fell for anymore. So the best solution I can think of is to keep my distance. Because he will never know what he wants from me. He thinks he wants a friendship, but he has never been able to be that friend he claims he wants to be for me. 

I got my wisdom teeth pulled out this week and it felt like nothing. I've become so strong going through this heartbreak(I suppose that's what its called) that I don't think there's anything that can make me feel so weak or saddened or upset again. I forgot that before going into this relationship I was a really strong girl. A friend pointed that out to me and I forgot that's who I was. For eight months, I turned into a girl I wasn't. I cried constantly. Well now, I'm stronger than I've ever been. My emotions aren't overtaking me. 

I can't even begin to describe the lessons I've learned and this journey that God took me on for a reason. Although it's nowhere near the outcome I wanted, I've still walked away with everything. I've always known how valuable I am for the beauty I have in the inside, but even more so now walking away from this, I know my worth. Being vulnerable isn't the right way to be with someone and I became so vulnerable and dependent and it wasn't me. Sure it's okay to show you have vulnerability, but I literally wore all my emotions on my sleeve and it wasn't healthy. It scared the other person since he couldn't fulfill all those expectations that I wasn't even fulfilling for myself. One person couldn't take care of my weaknesses. I didn't realize until now I was so emotionally weak and unstable that I was putting it on another person and that isn't something someone can do for you. I have to be able to do that on my own. 

Tonight

Slowly but surely I've been turning into an insomniac again. This past week being back home for summer was everything and nothing what I expected. I thought home is where the heart is, but it's not here.. and it wasn't at school. I'm the loneliest I've probably ever felt. Don't get me wrong there are some really great days when I'm so happy to be alive, but those days don't come as often as I'd like and those days are usually followed by those really horrible days. Today has been one of those horrible days. The day when my emotions come to the surface and remind me that hurt feelings are still here. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever go away. That feeling at my chest where I think I'm crying and letting go of all the emotions possible and there's still more behind it. It feels like I'm digging and digging the ground trying to look for the very bottom but I can't find it. 

I've lost my identity this past month more so then in the past five years. All because of a boy. A boy that I didn't even realize I identified myself with. He says he isn't going anywhere. But this past month, I lost the person who became my best friend this past year. A huge part of me recently has wanted to erase my memories of knowing him altogether. I was telling a friend earlier that beating this boy up on the outside would be equal to the way I'm feeling on the inside right now. He doesn't even know what he's done to me. But everyday I have to convince myself that he hasn't broken me, even though I know he's shattered something that I have to regain. 

I have to find a way to let go of false hope. It's been three weeks and I have to make this easier for myself. I have to be more present and productive no matter how much this whole situation saddens me. I have to try. 

The things you don't even deserve to know

Not that you even deserve to know how I feel anymore, but I'm so angry at you.  You don't even deserve to have me in your life period. I take back what I said before. No matter how I look at this situation, you fucked me over. You're not the good guy or the bigger person in this at all. Everything we had was a lie. The minute you said  you didn't want there to be an "us" anymore, the seven months became a lie. You didn't mean anything you said. And I don't think I can ever believe anything that ever comes out of your mouth again. It's not even about being hurt or wanting you back, but you walked away and for that I think you made the worst mistake possible. You're going to get tired of those girls who don't care about you the way I do. I saw someone who I really believed in. I saw someone who I believed can do great things and I saw that I could be the girl who could stand by you. I believed you were great before you did. 

And yeah, I get that you don't want the things I want right now, but I know you're going to wake up one day and realize what you lost. Fine, we gained a lot in whatever we were, but you lost a lot by walking away. I can't wait for the day that I move on so that the day that you do realize you made a mistake I won't even care. Because there is someone better for me out there. 

Most of all, I'm upset that you put us on a "break" when I knew from the minute you said that we were done. I'm upset I was left in the dark and blind sighted. You had been thinking about it for weeks and didn't tell me because I worry. Well guess what there's where you messed up and fucked me over. I felt that things were hard too and that we put too much pressure on each other but I didn't think it was a lost cause. I'm angry you either couldn't see that or give us a chance.

I'm angry that I saw you this weekend and I was the one reaching out to you, trying to be your friend. Even though I was the one who was hurt and betrayed, I was the one trying to talk to you. Not to get you back, but to get my friend back. You made me feel like we were strangers. You were the one who wanted our friendship, but yet I was the one trying to put my hurt feelings aside trying to be your friend but you were silent and made things awkward when I was letting you know it didn't have to be that way. 

I'm angry that we couldn't even have a real conversation with each other. I'm angry that I had to text you to provoke an answer for you and I'm angry that I was the one who had to say this has to end because you didn't have the balls for 7 days to tell me we were done. I'm angry it was done over a text message. I'm angry that there were no more words left to say to each other when a phone call did come around. 

Most of all, I'm angry that I feel like you've fucked with my head for the past two years. You've told me we were just friends before and you've told me you've had feelings beyond a friendship too. What do you want from me? And fine, "people, goals, feelings change" but honestly fucking make up your mind. Because this is why it's hard for me to move on. I'm starting to believe you don't have any real feelings that stay of any kind. I want to be done with you forever. I don't want to have to go through this process again and that you're going to come back. It's not fair at all to me. 

I'm angry that I've let this affect me so much, when you're probably not even blinking. You're happy. And I'm here having to put myself back together. I'm not letting myself believe I'm broken, but this is going to be tough as hell for me long term. How am I even supposed to give someone else another chance? How am I supposed to open myself up again and give someone everything I have to offer? Well fuck you, I can't for a long time. 

Out and About

I've been a busier body than usual and I'm loving it. I've been organized and I've spent a lot of today studying and then I'm out tonight to the strip and being impulsive for once I'm off to Orlando for the weekend. =] I've definitely needed a change of pace and I've been getting one. Thank goodness for feeling sooo much better about everything.

Can I just say...

what a long day yesterday was. And what a night. A good news phone call turned into me saying something that I did not expect to come out of my mouth. At least at that moment anyways. I was floored to hear what the other person said, and I couldn't say anything back. I always do. I'm a demanding person when it comes to relationships and not one word but maybe an "I don't know" came out of my mouth. It was to the point the other person asked if I was still on the line because he heard nothing but static. I even hung up at one point pretending my phone lost signal because I just had no answer. I somehow ended it by mustering an excuse to finish my paper. I was in hysterics, which I have cried like that before but it was different this time. I had to call someone. I let a message on AIM for one of my best friends (away from here) to call me ASAP that I was in hysterics and I had no idea what to do. Right away I got her call and broke down even more than I thought possible. Then, we both realized we couldn't do anything else. All I wanted was to see her and get the biggest hug and couldn't. We both felt helpless. I called one of my best friends here and she came running with the goods and I ran out to meet her and it was the most relieving thing in the world that I still have people in my life. For two hours, we made a pros and cons list to help me clear my head and figure out what decision I should make. In between, we had some laughs and got some steam off by breaking one of my ramen noodle boxes, shredding and bending all the pieces, then throwing it down the hallway. It sounds silly but I felt liberated especially because I hate littering period lol. Anyways, I realized I had to call that person back if I really wanted my head clear. I couldn't wait another night. I called and told that person that I was wrong and I didn't want what I said earlier. I only said it because I was overwhelmed by all of his good news and all the great things in his life, I was offering to step back for him even though I didn't know what he really wanted, which was that he does have plenty of room in his life for me still, not the opposite. So now, I'm left to do more things with my time, to be more patient, and see where time takes both of us. It'll be tough, but I know I made the right decision for now. A lot of the pressure is off, so hopefully I can feel the cool breeze in my life again. 

Where

So after my post last week, circumstances did change. My parents made a settlement with the guy I got in a car accident with. I found a ride to go to St. Leo's and home for MLK aka 4 day weekend and it was a really nice break. I got my emotions settled and reconsidered some aspects in my relationship. For the first time in a long time I felt like everything was going to be okay. I realized lately I had been in a funk.. literally feeling like I was caged in emotions, worries, fears, and I don't know what else. Anyways this week I promised myself to not be closed off to the rest of the world and try to go out at night or have lunch with someone rather than alone or talk to old friends again and when I did feel like being by myself I'd rely on God and talk to him. So yes, things have been so much better this week. Last night particularly I finally went out on the infamous Thursday night everyone always go out on and I had a blast. But here I am, it's Friday night and I'm the spending it by myself in my dorm. I honestly haven't seen and talked to anyone in person all day. I miss being able to drive. I would have gone away this weekend out of town or just a shopping trip at the mall literally ten minutes away. I'm trying not to let circumstances get to me but they do. Either way, I've felt like I've had a lot of forced companionship. Things with my two closest friends here have changes since the semester started so I don't feel like I have as much of a home base here as I used to and I hate it. And the fact that I don't have a roommate who is here. Someone I wanted to get back to in my dorm and have some sort of relationship with. I know things will be better next term when I live with those two friends. Anyways, I know things will be better in a couple months when I get my car back. I know the cold weather will go away and I'll be more likely to do more with my day or night in general. I love it up here, I really do. I just don't think I always have my heart here. And  part of me is in three other places four hours down. I wish where I wanted to be was in one place because only having part of my heart wherever I am just sucks.

boy

Boy, do I hate my circumstances right now. The man who is pressing charges for a car accident we were in still has not set a date for a trial, which by the way is in Gainesville. And since that trial and obviously no outcome yet hasn't happened, I can't get my car back. Which means I have to rely on other people if I ever want to leave town for a weekend. And guess what, people are not reliable whatsoever. Which leaves me being angry and bitter and wide awake when I should be sleeping since I have classes in the morning. Ugh. fml. I don't like it at all. And I really really really hope something changes. Aka I need a ride. :/

Back and loving FSU and 2009

I'm finally back in Tallahassee at FSU and unpacked and settled in and I just feel like I'm off to a good start for the semester.  I ended 2008 getting my teeth whitened and spending it with Michael, finally getting to take a boy at night to Downtown Lakeland, Lake Mirror, Barnett Park, and sneaking into Hollis Gardens. It was a great night having him by my side and getting to ring in 2009 with him and my family and our closest family friends for an Asian party at our house and me actually holding the sparklers this year, although still ridiculously terrified :)  Class doesn't start Tuesday so I have all tomorrow to get myself organized, run some errands, hit the gym, relax and mentally prepare for myself for what I think is going to be a really great semester.  Oh yeah, my 3 main resolutions this year are to 1) Just drink water 2) hit the gym at least 3 times a week and 3) stay on top of things! Anyways, Happy New Year to everyone and hope 2009 brings a good year to you too!