The things you don't even deserve to know

Not that you even deserve to know how I feel anymore, but I'm so angry at you.  You don't even deserve to have me in your life period. I take back what I said before. No matter how I look at this situation, you fucked me over. You're not the good guy or the bigger person in this at all. Everything we had was a lie. The minute you said  you didn't want there to be an "us" anymore, the seven months became a lie. You didn't mean anything you said. And I don't think I can ever believe anything that ever comes out of your mouth again. It's not even about being hurt or wanting you back, but you walked away and for that I think you made the worst mistake possible. You're going to get tired of those girls who don't care about you the way I do. I saw someone who I really believed in. I saw someone who I believed can do great things and I saw that I could be the girl who could stand by you. I believed you were great before you did. 

And yeah, I get that you don't want the things I want right now, but I know you're going to wake up one day and realize what you lost. Fine, we gained a lot in whatever we were, but you lost a lot by walking away. I can't wait for the day that I move on so that the day that you do realize you made a mistake I won't even care. Because there is someone better for me out there. 

Most of all, I'm upset that you put us on a "break" when I knew from the minute you said that we were done. I'm upset I was left in the dark and blind sighted. You had been thinking about it for weeks and didn't tell me because I worry. Well guess what there's where you messed up and fucked me over. I felt that things were hard too and that we put too much pressure on each other but I didn't think it was a lost cause. I'm angry you either couldn't see that or give us a chance.

I'm angry that I saw you this weekend and I was the one reaching out to you, trying to be your friend. Even though I was the one who was hurt and betrayed, I was the one trying to talk to you. Not to get you back, but to get my friend back. You made me feel like we were strangers. You were the one who wanted our friendship, but yet I was the one trying to put my hurt feelings aside trying to be your friend but you were silent and made things awkward when I was letting you know it didn't have to be that way. 

I'm angry that we couldn't even have a real conversation with each other. I'm angry that I had to text you to provoke an answer for you and I'm angry that I was the one who had to say this has to end because you didn't have the balls for 7 days to tell me we were done. I'm angry it was done over a text message. I'm angry that there were no more words left to say to each other when a phone call did come around. 

Most of all, I'm angry that I feel like you've fucked with my head for the past two years. You've told me we were just friends before and you've told me you've had feelings beyond a friendship too. What do you want from me? And fine, "people, goals, feelings change" but honestly fucking make up your mind. Because this is why it's hard for me to move on. I'm starting to believe you don't have any real feelings that stay of any kind. I want to be done with you forever. I don't want to have to go through this process again and that you're going to come back. It's not fair at all to me. 

I'm angry that I've let this affect me so much, when you're probably not even blinking. You're happy. And I'm here having to put myself back together. I'm not letting myself believe I'm broken, but this is going to be tough as hell for me long term. How am I even supposed to give someone else another chance? How am I supposed to open myself up again and give someone everything I have to offer? Well fuck you, I can't for a long time.