The only thing I wish was different was that I still miss our friendship. Not as much as I used to but it will always be the most bittersweet loss. It's taken us a month and a half to be able to have a conversation without an argument. If it wasn't for me, we still wouldn't be talking. I don't know what happened to the guy who told me he always could be there for me as a friend and when I was actually ready you were gone. It's been painful to talk to you now because our conversations are short and empty. I'm trying to be guarded and you just seem to be doing this as some sort of obligation to me so on both ends it goes nowhere. I don't even think I ever want to see you. And that is the part that saddens me the most. You were a special person in my life. Not even including our romantic relationship, we had a great connection as friends. We could tell each other everything and we just understood each other. There's few people I've had that with and it doesn't come often. I don't have any of those people right now and it's been hard.
But I knew the risk of losing you as a friend before anything happened and we both took that risk. Sometimes I wish I didn't take that risk and other times I know that risk had to happen. Even if the reason was that it was a great short lived romantic relationship and a could have been lifelong relationship was sacrificed-- well I learned a big lesson in that! and I wouldn't take it back. And I guess with other choices we made in our relationship, I feel the same way. Even though there are decisions I made that to this day do not completely settle well with me, I accept it happened for a reason, even if the reason was realizing that it hurt me.
Regardless, I forgive you and slowly, I'm forgiving myself. I kick myself in the head sometimes for having a big heart and especially towards you, but I can't help it. I don't tell you I care still, but I know you know. I know you've told me I should be more of a bitch, but that's never going to happen. Sometimes I have my moments when I have those days when the hurt really gets to me.. ha today was one of those days actually, but really I'll never be heartless. In all of this, I've become more confident in everything that I am and everything I'm not. I'll never be a heartless bitch no matter how hard I try and I'll always have the biggest heart in the world no matter how wounded it could become. Although that big heart of mine doesn't include "loving" you anymore. As genuine and powerful the feelings I knew I had, they don't mean anything because you weren't reciprocating anymore. For you, it makes me sad you haven't discovered what's really in your heart and what you're feeling. Because even though I can be ridiculously emotional and over think too much, at least I allowed myself to really feel something. I wish that for you some day, to look deep and find real emotion. You have it somewhere... Well maybe. I don't know anymore. I don't know who you are anymore. I hope you aren't lost. Well a part of me wishes you fuck up your life, but not really.
