Two weeks later

Rough days still exist. The hurt and the pain is still here. I don't even have a real focal point for being upset. It's just raw emotion that's still inside of me and I just want it out of my system.  It's a horrible feeling thinking that I'll always carry a torch for this person no matter how much time passes. But the even more horrible feeling is that I know most likely this person doesn't carry a torch for me. 

Better

So this is the first week I've been truly over it. I think? At least to some extent. The tears are gone. The memories have faded. I'm not really longing for him. It finally feels in the past. It's done. Every single day, it's minimizing in my head. It's a great feeling. It's unfortunate that taking him out of my life is what I had to do, but it's what has finally worked. I can't say everything is gone. But it's certainly gotten better. He isn't a good friend for me to have in my life. He isn't the person I fell for anymore. So the best solution I can think of is to keep my distance. Because he will never know what he wants from me. He thinks he wants a friendship, but he has never been able to be that friend he claims he wants to be for me. 

I got my wisdom teeth pulled out this week and it felt like nothing. I've become so strong going through this heartbreak(I suppose that's what its called) that I don't think there's anything that can make me feel so weak or saddened or upset again. I forgot that before going into this relationship I was a really strong girl. A friend pointed that out to me and I forgot that's who I was. For eight months, I turned into a girl I wasn't. I cried constantly. Well now, I'm stronger than I've ever been. My emotions aren't overtaking me. 

I can't even begin to describe the lessons I've learned and this journey that God took me on for a reason. Although it's nowhere near the outcome I wanted, I've still walked away with everything. I've always known how valuable I am for the beauty I have in the inside, but even more so now walking away from this, I know my worth. Being vulnerable isn't the right way to be with someone and I became so vulnerable and dependent and it wasn't me. Sure it's okay to show you have vulnerability, but I literally wore all my emotions on my sleeve and it wasn't healthy. It scared the other person since he couldn't fulfill all those expectations that I wasn't even fulfilling for myself. One person couldn't take care of my weaknesses. I didn't realize until now I was so emotionally weak and unstable that I was putting it on another person and that isn't something someone can do for you. I have to be able to do that on my own. 

Tonight

Slowly but surely I've been turning into an insomniac again. This past week being back home for summer was everything and nothing what I expected. I thought home is where the heart is, but it's not here.. and it wasn't at school. I'm the loneliest I've probably ever felt. Don't get me wrong there are some really great days when I'm so happy to be alive, but those days don't come as often as I'd like and those days are usually followed by those really horrible days. Today has been one of those horrible days. The day when my emotions come to the surface and remind me that hurt feelings are still here. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever go away. That feeling at my chest where I think I'm crying and letting go of all the emotions possible and there's still more behind it. It feels like I'm digging and digging the ground trying to look for the very bottom but I can't find it. 

I've lost my identity this past month more so then in the past five years. All because of a boy. A boy that I didn't even realize I identified myself with. He says he isn't going anywhere. But this past month, I lost the person who became my best friend this past year. A huge part of me recently has wanted to erase my memories of knowing him altogether. I was telling a friend earlier that beating this boy up on the outside would be equal to the way I'm feeling on the inside right now. He doesn't even know what he's done to me. But everyday I have to convince myself that he hasn't broken me, even though I know he's shattered something that I have to regain. 

I have to find a way to let go of false hope. It's been three weeks and I have to make this easier for myself. I have to be more present and productive no matter how much this whole situation saddens me. I have to try. 

The things you don't even deserve to know

Not that you even deserve to know how I feel anymore, but I'm so angry at you.  You don't even deserve to have me in your life period. I take back what I said before. No matter how I look at this situation, you fucked me over. You're not the good guy or the bigger person in this at all. Everything we had was a lie. The minute you said  you didn't want there to be an "us" anymore, the seven months became a lie. You didn't mean anything you said. And I don't think I can ever believe anything that ever comes out of your mouth again. It's not even about being hurt or wanting you back, but you walked away and for that I think you made the worst mistake possible. You're going to get tired of those girls who don't care about you the way I do. I saw someone who I really believed in. I saw someone who I believed can do great things and I saw that I could be the girl who could stand by you. I believed you were great before you did. 

And yeah, I get that you don't want the things I want right now, but I know you're going to wake up one day and realize what you lost. Fine, we gained a lot in whatever we were, but you lost a lot by walking away. I can't wait for the day that I move on so that the day that you do realize you made a mistake I won't even care. Because there is someone better for me out there. 

Most of all, I'm upset that you put us on a "break" when I knew from the minute you said that we were done. I'm upset I was left in the dark and blind sighted. You had been thinking about it for weeks and didn't tell me because I worry. Well guess what there's where you messed up and fucked me over. I felt that things were hard too and that we put too much pressure on each other but I didn't think it was a lost cause. I'm angry you either couldn't see that or give us a chance.

I'm angry that I saw you this weekend and I was the one reaching out to you, trying to be your friend. Even though I was the one who was hurt and betrayed, I was the one trying to talk to you. Not to get you back, but to get my friend back. You made me feel like we were strangers. You were the one who wanted our friendship, but yet I was the one trying to put my hurt feelings aside trying to be your friend but you were silent and made things awkward when I was letting you know it didn't have to be that way. 

I'm angry that we couldn't even have a real conversation with each other. I'm angry that I had to text you to provoke an answer for you and I'm angry that I was the one who had to say this has to end because you didn't have the balls for 7 days to tell me we were done. I'm angry it was done over a text message. I'm angry that there were no more words left to say to each other when a phone call did come around. 

Most of all, I'm angry that I feel like you've fucked with my head for the past two years. You've told me we were just friends before and you've told me you've had feelings beyond a friendship too. What do you want from me? And fine, "people, goals, feelings change" but honestly fucking make up your mind. Because this is why it's hard for me to move on. I'm starting to believe you don't have any real feelings that stay of any kind. I want to be done with you forever. I don't want to have to go through this process again and that you're going to come back. It's not fair at all to me. 

I'm angry that I've let this affect me so much, when you're probably not even blinking. You're happy. And I'm here having to put myself back together. I'm not letting myself believe I'm broken, but this is going to be tough as hell for me long term. How am I even supposed to give someone else another chance? How am I supposed to open myself up again and give someone everything I have to offer? Well fuck you, I can't for a long time. 

Out and About

I've been a busier body than usual and I'm loving it. I've been organized and I've spent a lot of today studying and then I'm out tonight to the strip and being impulsive for once I'm off to Orlando for the weekend. =] I've definitely needed a change of pace and I've been getting one. Thank goodness for feeling sooo much better about everything.

Can I just say...

what a long day yesterday was. And what a night. A good news phone call turned into me saying something that I did not expect to come out of my mouth. At least at that moment anyways. I was floored to hear what the other person said, and I couldn't say anything back. I always do. I'm a demanding person when it comes to relationships and not one word but maybe an "I don't know" came out of my mouth. It was to the point the other person asked if I was still on the line because he heard nothing but static. I even hung up at one point pretending my phone lost signal because I just had no answer. I somehow ended it by mustering an excuse to finish my paper. I was in hysterics, which I have cried like that before but it was different this time. I had to call someone. I let a message on AIM for one of my best friends (away from here) to call me ASAP that I was in hysterics and I had no idea what to do. Right away I got her call and broke down even more than I thought possible. Then, we both realized we couldn't do anything else. All I wanted was to see her and get the biggest hug and couldn't. We both felt helpless. I called one of my best friends here and she came running with the goods and I ran out to meet her and it was the most relieving thing in the world that I still have people in my life. For two hours, we made a pros and cons list to help me clear my head and figure out what decision I should make. In between, we had some laughs and got some steam off by breaking one of my ramen noodle boxes, shredding and bending all the pieces, then throwing it down the hallway. It sounds silly but I felt liberated especially because I hate littering period lol. Anyways, I realized I had to call that person back if I really wanted my head clear. I couldn't wait another night. I called and told that person that I was wrong and I didn't want what I said earlier. I only said it because I was overwhelmed by all of his good news and all the great things in his life, I was offering to step back for him even though I didn't know what he really wanted, which was that he does have plenty of room in his life for me still, not the opposite. So now, I'm left to do more things with my time, to be more patient, and see where time takes both of us. It'll be tough, but I know I made the right decision for now. A lot of the pressure is off, so hopefully I can feel the cool breeze in my life again. 

Where

So after my post last week, circumstances did change. My parents made a settlement with the guy I got in a car accident with. I found a ride to go to St. Leo's and home for MLK aka 4 day weekend and it was a really nice break. I got my emotions settled and reconsidered some aspects in my relationship. For the first time in a long time I felt like everything was going to be okay. I realized lately I had been in a funk.. literally feeling like I was caged in emotions, worries, fears, and I don't know what else. Anyways this week I promised myself to not be closed off to the rest of the world and try to go out at night or have lunch with someone rather than alone or talk to old friends again and when I did feel like being by myself I'd rely on God and talk to him. So yes, things have been so much better this week. Last night particularly I finally went out on the infamous Thursday night everyone always go out on and I had a blast. But here I am, it's Friday night and I'm the spending it by myself in my dorm. I honestly haven't seen and talked to anyone in person all day. I miss being able to drive. I would have gone away this weekend out of town or just a shopping trip at the mall literally ten minutes away. I'm trying not to let circumstances get to me but they do. Either way, I've felt like I've had a lot of forced companionship. Things with my two closest friends here have changes since the semester started so I don't feel like I have as much of a home base here as I used to and I hate it. And the fact that I don't have a roommate who is here. Someone I wanted to get back to in my dorm and have some sort of relationship with. I know things will be better next term when I live with those two friends. Anyways, I know things will be better in a couple months when I get my car back. I know the cold weather will go away and I'll be more likely to do more with my day or night in general. I love it up here, I really do. I just don't think I always have my heart here. And  part of me is in three other places four hours down. I wish where I wanted to be was in one place because only having part of my heart wherever I am just sucks.