Can I just say...

what a long day yesterday was. And what a night. A good news phone call turned into me saying something that I did not expect to come out of my mouth. At least at that moment anyways. I was floored to hear what the other person said, and I couldn't say anything back. I always do. I'm a demanding person when it comes to relationships and not one word but maybe an "I don't know" came out of my mouth. It was to the point the other person asked if I was still on the line because he heard nothing but static. I even hung up at one point pretending my phone lost signal because I just had no answer. I somehow ended it by mustering an excuse to finish my paper. I was in hysterics, which I have cried like that before but it was different this time. I had to call someone. I let a message on AIM for one of my best friends (away from here) to call me ASAP that I was in hysterics and I had no idea what to do. Right away I got her call and broke down even more than I thought possible. Then, we both realized we couldn't do anything else. All I wanted was to see her and get the biggest hug and couldn't. We both felt helpless. I called one of my best friends here and she came running with the goods and I ran out to meet her and it was the most relieving thing in the world that I still have people in my life. For two hours, we made a pros and cons list to help me clear my head and figure out what decision I should make. In between, we had some laughs and got some steam off by breaking one of my ramen noodle boxes, shredding and bending all the pieces, then throwing it down the hallway. It sounds silly but I felt liberated especially because I hate littering period lol. Anyways, I realized I had to call that person back if I really wanted my head clear. I couldn't wait another night. I called and told that person that I was wrong and I didn't want what I said earlier. I only said it because I was overwhelmed by all of his good news and all the great things in his life, I was offering to step back for him even though I didn't know what he really wanted, which was that he does have plenty of room in his life for me still, not the opposite. So now, I'm left to do more things with my time, to be more patient, and see where time takes both of us. It'll be tough, but I know I made the right decision for now. A lot of the pressure is off, so hopefully I can feel the cool breeze in my life again. 

Where

So after my post last week, circumstances did change. My parents made a settlement with the guy I got in a car accident with. I found a ride to go to St. Leo's and home for MLK aka 4 day weekend and it was a really nice break. I got my emotions settled and reconsidered some aspects in my relationship. For the first time in a long time I felt like everything was going to be okay. I realized lately I had been in a funk.. literally feeling like I was caged in emotions, worries, fears, and I don't know what else. Anyways this week I promised myself to not be closed off to the rest of the world and try to go out at night or have lunch with someone rather than alone or talk to old friends again and when I did feel like being by myself I'd rely on God and talk to him. So yes, things have been so much better this week. Last night particularly I finally went out on the infamous Thursday night everyone always go out on and I had a blast. But here I am, it's Friday night and I'm the spending it by myself in my dorm. I honestly haven't seen and talked to anyone in person all day. I miss being able to drive. I would have gone away this weekend out of town or just a shopping trip at the mall literally ten minutes away. I'm trying not to let circumstances get to me but they do. Either way, I've felt like I've had a lot of forced companionship. Things with my two closest friends here have changes since the semester started so I don't feel like I have as much of a home base here as I used to and I hate it. And the fact that I don't have a roommate who is here. Someone I wanted to get back to in my dorm and have some sort of relationship with. I know things will be better next term when I live with those two friends. Anyways, I know things will be better in a couple months when I get my car back. I know the cold weather will go away and I'll be more likely to do more with my day or night in general. I love it up here, I really do. I just don't think I always have my heart here. And  part of me is in three other places four hours down. I wish where I wanted to be was in one place because only having part of my heart wherever I am just sucks.

boy

Boy, do I hate my circumstances right now. The man who is pressing charges for a car accident we were in still has not set a date for a trial, which by the way is in Gainesville. And since that trial and obviously no outcome yet hasn't happened, I can't get my car back. Which means I have to rely on other people if I ever want to leave town for a weekend. And guess what, people are not reliable whatsoever. Which leaves me being angry and bitter and wide awake when I should be sleeping since I have classes in the morning. Ugh. fml. I don't like it at all. And I really really really hope something changes. Aka I need a ride. :/

Back and loving FSU and 2009

I'm finally back in Tallahassee at FSU and unpacked and settled in and I just feel like I'm off to a good start for the semester.  I ended 2008 getting my teeth whitened and spending it with Michael, finally getting to take a boy at night to Downtown Lakeland, Lake Mirror, Barnett Park, and sneaking into Hollis Gardens. It was a great night having him by my side and getting to ring in 2009 with him and my family and our closest family friends for an Asian party at our house and me actually holding the sparklers this year, although still ridiculously terrified :)  Class doesn't start Tuesday so I have all tomorrow to get myself organized, run some errands, hit the gym, relax and mentally prepare for myself for what I think is going to be a really great semester.  Oh yeah, my 3 main resolutions this year are to 1) Just drink water 2) hit the gym at least 3 times a week and 3) stay on top of things! Anyways, Happy New Year to everyone and hope 2009 brings a good year to you too! 

Ready or Not

Ready or not.. 2009 is almost here and in a week so will be the end of my winter break. All I can say is thank goodness. Especially being unable to drive it's been the most frustrating experience and such a downer to being off for 3 weeks and it's limited me so much on being able to do anything over break. If it wasn't for the few people who have come through for me, this break would have been completely miserable. Christmas this past week pretty much was what it is every year at my house... asian party, midnight mass, open the gifts from our parents-with the traditional crankiness from everyone, wake up and open more presents, football, then karaoke. I've had more than enough time with my family to the point I feel like I'm in high school again and nothing has changed so needless to say I'm very very ready to head back.  I want '09 to come, get myself on a nice solid everyday schedule and start excelling in my new classes.  I don't really have a New Year's Resolution, but to just start off strong with New Years Day being Day 1 on starting my year fresh and getting myself organized and on a schedule to do everything I want to accomplish each day. Let's hope I get it right this year. 

Lay All Your Love On Me

Two more weeks until I head back to FSU and I'm thinking it's already been far too long. Old friends have been a letdown, but thank goodness for an endless supply of sweets in my kitchen, tv marathons, and a night with my family which included Five Guys burgers and fries, Mamma Mia on DVD, and some karaoke.  Oh yeah, three days until Christmas and someone has already given me a gift I won't forget :)

 

( To top it off, I got a special engraving on the back of that heart.)

First Post + My Year in Pictures

Hello Blogspot :) I've actually been blogging for awhile.. on livejournal that is. Yes, I know I'm late on this trend but really I just didn't feel like moving blogs! haha. I've kept up writing about whatever was going on in my life and almost 400 entries and almost two years late I've grown and changed into a completely different person, which is what brings me to create this new blog, and frankly, I'm all about aesthetics and I love the blog layout much better on here over livejournal, which just happens to inspire me to write more :P And I also figured it was time to separate my writings/rants/hopes/whatever you call it from high school to all that I'm dealing with now as a full-fledged college kid. So hear I am starting afresh and it's almost 2009 and I looked through all my photos this year and picked something that defined each month, minus December since it's not quite over yet. Enjoy! 

P.S. If there's any interest to my past, here's the link: http://promise-myself.livejournal.com